Posts tagged ‘Pictures’

Pictures, Pain, Passion

(Writer’s note: Don’t miss the end…)

Do you know how many pictures you have of your child? Or maybe if you don’t have children, do you know how many you have your significant other?

Your answer is probably no I’m guessing.

But do I know how many pictures I have of Hailey?

Unfortunately, my answer is yes.

I have 785 pictures that have to do with Hailey – from pregnancy pictures to baby showers to ultrasound pictures to actual pictures of her. Every single picture ever taken (even the ones with my eyes closed or that didn’t turn out just perfect) – 785 total. Which means that I have less than 785 pictures of just her – and if I wanted to, I could go through them all and count to find the number of ones that are just of her. (more…)

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May 27, 2010 at 2:52 PM Leave a comment

Trying something new, for a change

Well it’s been a few days since I last wrote. I’ll blame it on my 3 day long dull headache and keeping busy. But I’m back and have some fun things to share in this post.

Yesterday Josh and I drove to the middle of nowhere in Alabama to visit this ‘zoo’ we had been hearing all about. You see, if you’ve ever been to Ft. Rucker, you are aware that there is not much to do in the actual town we live in outside of the post – the surrounding areas are wonderful if you can manage driving a couple of hours – shopping, beaches, museums, etc. But in our town, not much goes on. So we decided to get out of the house, get out of the town, and take a little adventure to McCelland’s Zoo aka “Mike’s Zoo Critters.” First, let me just say that I can’t believe that it took us a year of living here to finally hear about this ‘zoo.’ But I’m so glad we did. We had a blast!  I’m not going to chronicle our trip or describe this place in detail, so if you want to find out more you can visit their website. What I will do is give you some of the highlights of our trip.

(more…)

May 23, 2010 at 2:41 PM 1 comment

Investing for the Better

Lately I’ve been thinking about this whole thing of “bitter or better.” Will the experience of burying my baby leave me bitter? Will it make me put up walls, close my heart, not want to feel, not want to live, be angry, be miserable, and so on? Or will the experience of giving birth to Hailey and saying goodbye to her 36 days later leave me better because of it? Will I keep her in my heart and go on to live my life to the fullest, seek joy over my sorrow, strive to be the best person I can be while on this earth, make the lives of others better, have a light in my eyes and a smile on my face?

I am determined to be better.

It’s easier to be bitter and all the other things that come along with it, as I’ve mentioned before. Being better takes effort, but don’t most things that are worthwhile take effort? Not only does being better take effort, sometimes it is just plain hard, especially because grief has a tendency to suck all of the life and energy out of you.

Grieving is, amongst other things, exhausting. There are many times since Hailey has passed that I have just simply not had anything left to give to anyone. I have felt everything stripped away…like I’ve given everything I could and it was taken away… my grief was sucking all of the energy out of me. My mind, my heart, couldn’t deal with anything else. The grief consumed me. And part of it is also that fact that it’s scary to give of yourself again when you’ve given and had it taken from you. I think the exhaustion that results from grief is one of the reasons why it is also so common for grieving people to isolate themselves.

Thankfully I didn’t isolate myself after losing Hailey and my dad. Even though I was geographically isolated from family and many friends, I still went out into the world, to church, Bible study, the gym, etc. and interacted with people.  But I’ve realized lately that I haven’t given much of myself to anyone. I haven’t made any effort to invest in someone and be their friend. Investing in people takes energy and effort that I simply just did not have. (more…)

May 20, 2010 at 3:35 PM 1 comment

Cleansing ~ Part 2 aka “Ducky”

Finally, a much needed blog post on little Hailey Marie. I was trying to find some inspiration about what to write about because, honestly, I’m afraid I’m running out of memories to write about…there are only so many… But my last entry inspired me to share some memories and thoughts about bath time with Hailey (trying to go along with the ‘cleansing’ theme).

As many of you moms out there know, bath time with a newborn isn’t much of a bath time as one my think. There are no bathtubs, bubbles, rubber duckies, etc. – although we had all of those items ready for when Hailey was going to be old enough for a “real” bath…unfortunately we never had a chance to use them with her. So anyways, before I get sidetracked, bath time for newborns is more of a sponge bath and is not done that often initially.

Hailey was about 2 weeks old when we gave her her first bath. And we really had no clue what we were doing… at least I didn’t. It’s one thing to have a healthy newborn baby on your hands and doing things like washing him/her for the first time with all those new parent anxieties where everything is a learning experience. But it’s completely another thing when on top of that your baby isn’t healthy, has an oxygen tube in her nose at all times so she can breathe fully, and has gauze and an ace bandage wrapped around her tummy incision and stitches. (more…)

May 14, 2010 at 4:02 PM Leave a comment

Cleansing ~ Part 1

First, I don’t know what it is about this month, but it has been very draining emotionally for me. I wonder where the strong woman rejoicing during her loss and trials went to… I want her back. Instead, the majority of this month I have felt tired, beaten down, defeated by life…and somehow my hope, amongst other things, seems to have disappeared. My negative thoughts overwhelm me, and my feelings linger towards hopelessness, anger, and bitterness. And a part of me has become angry that God has allowed so much pain and suffering in my life and seems to bless so many of my friends and family with the very things that were taken away from me and/or that I long for. (more…)

May 13, 2010 at 9:43 PM Leave a comment

Mother’s Day Reflections

Well… I survived last week (glad it is over), which also means I survived Mother’s Day. It was not as terrible as I anticipated or as it could have been, and I managed not to cry.

As I mentioned to my friend, it was as good of a Mother’s Day as I could have experienced without Hailey and I believe that was possible because of 2 things – 1. prayer and 2. perspective. I chose to focus on how proud and privileged I am to be Hailey’s mom. I was her mom before she was born, as she grew inside of me, I was her mom when she was born and graced us with 36 days of her life, and I am still her mom even though she is not here with me. Despite some of my fears and negative thinking, nothing can change the fact that I am her mother and she is my daughter, not even death. (more…)

May 10, 2010 at 2:04 PM Leave a comment

Proud to be Hailey’s momma

(more…)

May 8, 2010 at 10:05 AM 1 comment

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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