Posts tagged ‘My struggles’

A lesson in contentment

“…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances” Philippians 4:1

Are you content with the circumstances of your life?

Being content when things are going your way is easy, but being content in the midst of hardship or suffering is beyond difficult as I have learned. Thankfully, I have also learned that a relationship with Christ which allows for the right perspective makes it possible to be content in all things, even after losing your child, your father, and discovering a new life and purpose in the aftermath.

I’ve mentioned it before that I have learned to be content with what happened to Hailey and my family. This post is more about me learning to be content with how I am using my time and understanding who I am now and what my purpose is.

It’s about answering those questions that have been haunting me; the ones I hated people asking me only days after losing Hailey… you know the ones: what are you going to do now? are you going to teach again? and so on. I almost have let those questions eat away at me. As if what I was doing wasn’t good enough. They made me feel guilty at times for not running out and finding a job right away after my hopes of being a stay at home mom were taken from me and I buried my daughter.

I know some of those questions and related comments came out of genuine concern for me as some people didn’t want me just sitting at home all day being lonely and depressed, but not all of them came from that type of heart. Unfortunately I know too many people, family and friends, who frown upon stay at home moms and housewives in general. If you don’t have a full time career, they see you as less then them or something. They won’t admit openly that they think those things, but they do. I know it from their gossip and side comments about others.

Not only did the idea of what others thought of me for not working bother me, but so did several other related things. For instance, adjusting to a new way of life where I had more time than I knew what to do with was strange and hard. It was something that was foreign to me, and sometimes I let it bother me that I had nothing to do. At times I felt like I was living the life that I only thought possible when I’d be retired – doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted – and that made me feel guilty. As mentioned in earlier posts, I have been so used to being busy every second of the day and involved in too many things that suddenly I found myself not busy and not involved in much of anything. Even I defined who I was by my job title. Two years ago I was a teacher. A year ago I was going to be a stay at home mom. What was I now then? A housewife? Was that enough?

But yes it is enough. If that’s what God wants. And so I learned to be content being a housewife and taking care of our dog. But only because that’s what God wanted. My struggle in ‘doing nothing’ in the eyes of some isn’t because I’m disobeying or going against God’s plans for my life, it’s because I more with what others thought and not being good enough in there eyes. Too often I have based my contentment on what others think, not what God thinks.

My prayer since Hailey died has always been for God to use me according to His purposes for my life. If he wanted me to become a full time teacher again, I would. If he wanted me to find a part time job somewhere, I would. If he wanted me to volunteer somewhere, I would. But if God was telling me he wanted me to relax and enjoy life, for some reason I wouldn’t because society tells me that’s wrong. But it’s not and I’m finally realizing that God wanted me to do ‘nothing’ essentially for these past few months.

I needed the time for healing and to make it to the place where I am today – and God knew it. So I have learned to be content in taking time to heal instead of working. Those first few months were almost like a sabbatical for me that I’m only now realizing I took. It was a time of rest, healing, recovery… a time of drawing close to God, doing some soul searching, etc.

Then came the day in April when God put something new on my heart. When He told me it was time for something special for me to get involved in. When He put it on my heart to start a local project in memory of Hailey through Project Sweet Peas. I prayed for God to use my life according to His purposes, and this was the answer. He knew I was ready, and I needed it.

I’ve taken on Hailey’s Hope almost like it’s a full time job from home. But still, even after God continues to answer my prayers and use me, I battle with being discontent with my circumstances. Here I am, using my time wisely, serving others, doing something I really enjoy, yet I’m still discontent. Why? Because my mind constantly goes to my career path: teaching English full time.  And I think to myself, “What does donating gift bags have to do with teaching? shouldn’t I only be doing things that I can put on my resume for when I apply for a teaching position?” And here comes the struggle with trying to define myself and my life.

But couldn’t it be that God has plans other than teaching for me? And what about my ‘resume’ for God? After all, with Hailey’s Hope I’m still using my time, my skills, and my resources to serve Him and His kingdom. God  has blessed me with more than the ability to teach, so isn’t it possible that just maybe God doesn’t want me to teach right now?  That He has given me this new ‘task’ and opportunity for me to shine and serve? After all, my goal behind teaching is the same as my goal behind becoming involved with Project Sweet Peas: to use my time and talents to serve God and others. So isn’t it just possible that God has this in mind for me right now? Why is that so hard for me to accept?

I don’t have it on my heart to teach or sub or tutor. But I do have it on my heart to devote everything I have to Hailey’s Hope and helping others find hope during an experience that I have been through. With all of that said, I think I am finally learning to be content with what I’m doing with my life. For now this is where God wants me, and this is what I’m going to do.

So what am I doing now? Am I going back to teaching? I can comfortably and confidently answer those types of questions now:

I am a project leader for Hailey’s Hope with Project Sweet Peas. I am organizing the donation of over 20 bags to be delivered in June to over 20 families who have babies in NICUs so that they can be provided with a touch of comfort and hope during a difficult time. And I will continue to be organizing fundraisers, gathering donations, and delivering donated gift bags to families with babies in the NICUs. I am also happy to be extending my involvement with Project Sweet Peas by managing their blog. And now I do not plan on going back to teaching full time any time soon.

As for where I will be in a few more months, we’ll just have to wait and see where God takes me…could be the same thing, could be working as a part time substitute teacher, could be working on continuing our family… only God knows. And I am okay with that.


May 30, 2010 at 5:17 PM Leave a comment

Taken captive by fear; ‘why do I doubt?’

(It’s a long one, but this one is more for me than for you…)

My mind and my heart are all over the place these days, which has caused me to become scatter-brained and forgetful and make mistakes left and right because I can’t focus or think straight. For instance, in the last couple of weeks or so I’ve placed two orders online and did them incorrectly. I left our back door wide open which allowed Opie to make a quick, easy escape and go play in our neighborhood without my realizing it happened. I wore flip flops to an aerobics dance class. My mind and heart seem lost from me… and so does God.

But first, before I get into that, today it has been 4 months since I held Hailey in my arms and this anniversary of her passing is probably the hardest so far. And that is something I didn’t quite expect. I thought it would continue to be ‘easier’ as time passed, but instead I feel as though I’ve gone backwards and got stuck…when I had been going forward for so long. This week has proved to be a difficult one and I’m not even through with it yet. But it is difficult in a way I never expected, and I have hit a roadblock in my journey and I am at a standstill. (more…)

May 6, 2010 at 2:45 PM 2 comments

Bitterness is easy

“Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky,

are best relieved by the letting of a little water.” ~Antoine Rivarol

Well the other night, the night of my last post, I started deeply missing Hailey. And of course I cried as the dull aching that comes along with the depths of that loneliness and longing for her swept over me. I haven’t had that happen in a long time. In fact, I thought to myself as I cried, “It’s about time.” The flood gates opened back up to release some of the pain and anger and bitterness of unaddressed things in my grief. It felt good to release some tears. Not that missing her and crying ever feels good… but tears really do help heal and eventually bring relief.

(and by the way, when I say that I haven’t missed Hailey and cried in a long time, I don’t want you to think I haven’t missed her or been sad in a long time. Rather, I mean I haven’t been to that level in a long time. I miss her every single day (and could cry every single day if I let myself)…but I’ve come to learn that there almost different depths, levels, kinds of sorrows involved in grief…)

I don’t know what triggered the longing and missing and crying. Could have been any of a million things. But if I had to pick something, it would probably be the thoughts and feelings that came up when I wrote my last post. (more…)

April 28, 2010 at 2:08 PM 1 comment

…when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive…

I’ve heard this song many times before. But today was the first day I took the time to listen to the words Natalie Grant sings…and in doing so I discovered my heart crying out to each word as I realized how deeply this song speaks to me and of me. Would you take the time to listen to this song and the lyrics behind it?

And I have a confession. Another one. (more…)

April 26, 2010 at 7:26 PM 1 comment

Difficult days lay ahead…

As I wrote down an appointment on my monthly planner for May, I looked at what events would be coming up… And then I saw that the first week of May, piled full with events that are going to make it a difficult one.

Here is a picture from my planner:


April 22, 2010 at 12:06 PM 1 comment

When it rains, it pours…My mess after the storm…

(Disclaimer: This will probably be a long one…there are probably like 3 posts in one, and it might be a little all over the place…but I have a lot I need to get off my chest so bear  with me please…)

My Grief This Week, Mostly Yesterday…

It seems like it always happens that just when I seem to be doing really well with my grief, life is looking good again, I’m finding joy and blessings around me, and I write a post about it – that that’s when things come crashing down on me. I hit a lot of highs over the past couple of weeks; I should have known a low was building up waiting to come crashing down on me… Dumb grief.

This week wasn’t an altogether bad week or anything. But for some reason I found myself crying more. I guess if I look around I can probably pin point some things that led to that…


April 9, 2010 at 10:03 AM 8 comments


Well today I feel rather discouraged. I wrote a long, thoughtful post about Opie…memories of Opie with Hailey…about him as her big brother…about him as a companion to me… and of course, my computer or internet or blog decided to not work when I clicked save draft (and it didn’t do any of its usual automatic saves)… so when I went back to publish it, there was no post to be found… well the post was found, but it was blank… so that was pretty discouraging. It was one of those posts I put a lot of thought and time into.

And then I weighed myself (Friday mornings are my weigh-ins for myself)…and I didn’t lose a pound, not even an ounce. I stayed exactly the same as last week. I have 5 lbs left to lose by the end of next week so my goal was about 2 lbs a week. Well… didn’t meet that goal this week. Again, it was pretty discouraging.

After my discouraging start to the day, I was off to spinning. If you don’t know what spinning is, it’s torture on a bike. No it’s really not that bad, but the first week or two of spinning I thought it was torture. It’s basically like a cycling (bicycling) class, and it’s hard if you push yourself like you’re supposed to.


March 26, 2010 at 1:38 PM Leave a comment

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In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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