Posts tagged ‘Memories’

Cleansing ~ Part 2 aka “Ducky”

Finally, a much needed blog post on little Hailey Marie. I was trying to find some inspiration about what to write about because, honestly, I’m afraid I’m running out of memories to write about…there are only so many… But my last entry inspired me to share some memories and thoughts about bath time with Hailey (trying to go along with the ‘cleansing’ theme).

As many of you moms out there know, bath time with a newborn isn’t much of a bath time as one my think. There are no bathtubs, bubbles, rubber duckies, etc. – although we had all of those items ready for when Hailey was going to be old enough for a “real” bath…unfortunately we never had a chance to use them with her. So anyways, before I get sidetracked, bath time for newborns is more of a sponge bath and is not done that often initially.

Hailey was about 2 weeks old when we gave her her first bath. And we really had no clue what we were doing… at least I didn’t. It’s one thing to have a healthy newborn baby on your hands and doing things like washing him/her for the first time with all those new parent anxieties where everything is a learning experience. But it’s completely another thing when on top of that your baby isn’t healthy, has an oxygen tube in her nose at all times so she can breathe fully, and has gauze and an ace bandage wrapped around her tummy incision and stitches. (more…)

May 14, 2010 at 4:02 PM Leave a comment

Cleansing ~ Part 1

First, I don’t know what it is about this month, but it has been very draining emotionally for me. I wonder where the strong woman rejoicing during her loss and trials went to… I want her back. Instead, the majority of this month I have felt tired, beaten down, defeated by life…and somehow my hope, amongst other things, seems to have disappeared. My negative thoughts overwhelm me, and my feelings linger towards hopelessness, anger, and bitterness. And a part of me has become angry that God has allowed so much pain and suffering in my life and seems to bless so many of my friends and family with the very things that were taken away from me and/or that I long for. (more…)

May 13, 2010 at 9:43 PM Leave a comment

Missing her… in a different way…

I feel like I haven’t really written about Hailey in a long time. I mean, I write about things that have to do with her, but they’re really not about her. In fact, I’ve found myself frustrated with this occurrence in my life lately. I think about things having to do with Hailey – like this blog, starting Hailey’s Hope, I look at her picture and I think Hailey, I look at her footprint on my necklace and I think Hailey – but all the while I am not really thinking about her.

Does that make sense?

It was is really frustrating that I’m doing that. I hate to say this, and hate to admit this, but it’s getting hard to really think about her and really truly remember her… not hard in that I can’t deal with the sadness or deal with it emotionally so I don’t do it…but hard in that it no longer comes as naturally, but instead takes more of a conscious effort now.

I’ve realized that I can think about Hailey all day long…and miss her completely.

(more…)

April 20, 2010 at 8:28 PM 1 comment

Heartbeat

Today officially marks the first day of spring. And thankfully it feels like spring here in AL unlike back in my hometown in IL where they are experiencing snow today. To celebrate the warm spring weather and rid myself of this hideous white glow I have, I laid out a blanket on our back lawn and immersed myself in the sun’s rays. It felt good to feel the sun’s warmth and the refreshing light breeze on my skin. A perfect day and a perfect way to relax.

As I turned onto my stomach and laid there enjoying the beautiful afternoon, a weird thing happened. I could feel my stomach pulsing from my heartbeat. Literally I felt my heartbeat in my stomach. Strangely and amazingly, it was reminiscent of feeling Hailey moving in my belly. My heartbeat felt like those first flutters I felt during my 2nd trimester which were the first movements of Hailey’s that I was feeling. Feeling your baby move about in your tummy and ‘kicking’ around is one of those miraculous events that I am blessed to have had.

(more…)

March 20, 2010 at 3:23 PM Leave a comment

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

On December 4, 2009 we learned of Hailey’s fatal diagnosis, and we were moved to a private room where we were able to spend every minute with Hailey and truly enjoy her. We received a lot of information that day and had a lot of support services offered to us. (Talk about information overload and feeling overwhelmed!)  The palliative care nurse assigned to us told us that she could pretty much make anything happen for Hailey that we wanted – and yes, the idea of sneaking Opie into the hospital was discussed as a very realistic possibility. 🙂 But thankfully we didn’t have to do that…but they did order a birthday cake for us on her 1 week birthday 🙂

One of the pamphlets and services that was offered to us was something called “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.” Now let me tell you, as a new mother who just learned that her baby had a fatal disorder, I was only able to read the title of organization before bursting into tears. The name was the saddest thing I ever I thought to myself… Thankfully the palliative care nurse explained the mission statement of the organization since I couldn’t read it on my own: Click here to keep reading!

March 14, 2010 at 3:07 PM 1 comment

Healing Touch

Have you ever heard the phrase ‘healing touch’? It suggests that physical touch or physical contact can heal. Hailey’s life taught me the truth behind this common phrase.

In the first days of Hailey’s life, she underwent surgery,  she had a contraption put on her stomach, she was poked and prodded everywhere with needles as doctors and nurses tried to find good veins for putting in tubes and IVs and drew blood and so on,  she had a blood transfusion, she bruised, she swelled, she would have experienced pain had she not been under the affects of morphine. Obviously, no one wants this kind of life for their child. (But I will say, this life, is better than no life at all… and as you will see in Hailey’s case, this can be turned around with a little healing touch, and faith). (more…)

March 9, 2010 at 5:56 PM Leave a comment

Hailey’s 3 Month Birthday, This Little Light of Mine

Hailey would have turned 3 months old today. I can hardly believe it. Time really has been flying by.

One month ago, when I wrote a post on her 2 month birthday I was really struggling with my grief. I wrote about how I didn’t feel like celebrating and I felt more sorrow than joy that day. Well I’m happy to say that I feel like I’m able to celebrate her and find more joy than sorrow today on what would have been her 3 month birthday.

When Hailey was with us, we knew we wouldn’t be able to celebrate any ‘year’ birthdays with her. She would have no first birthday party. She would have no sweet sixteen. And so on. We also knew that we might not even be able to celebrate any ‘month’ birthdays with her. So we decided to celebrate her ‘week’ birthdays.

Thankfully, God blessed us with 5 (‘week’) birthdays that we got to celebrate with her, and we were even able to celebrate her 1 month birthday. I am truly thankful and feel very blessed that we had those opportunities to celebrate her birthdays.

I remember listening in on a phone conversation Josh was having with a friend while Hailey was with us. I heard him talk about how we were celebrating Hailey’s birthdays with some sort of Birthday cake and how we’d sing her “Happy Birthday,” etc. And he said to his friend that we did those things more for me (and us) than for Hailey.

(more…)

March 1, 2010 at 7:05 AM 3 comments

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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