Posts tagged ‘Love’

They help me through…

This week has been quite difficult, and as I walk through this journey of grief I find that every day is battle that I must fight. So I can’t leave yesterday’s ‘negative’ post up over the weekend because I am feeling better today and need to try to focus on happier things…

Therefore this post is going to be short and sweet and is in honor of my hubby and puppy. They both have provided me with love and comfort during my mess and my tears. I couldn’t do this without them. They are wonderful and I love them. They are my family… (more…)

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May 7, 2010 at 4:10 PM Leave a comment

Heartbeat

Today officially marks the first day of spring. And thankfully it feels like spring here in AL unlike back in my hometown in IL where they are experiencing snow today. To celebrate the warm spring weather and rid myself of this hideous white glow I have, I laid out a blanket on our back lawn and immersed myself in the sun’s rays. It felt good to feel the sun’s warmth and the refreshing light breeze on my skin. A perfect day and a perfect way to relax.

As I turned onto my stomach and laid there enjoying the beautiful afternoon, a weird thing happened. I could feel my stomach pulsing from my heartbeat. Literally I felt my heartbeat in my stomach. Strangely and amazingly, it was reminiscent of feeling Hailey moving in my belly. My heartbeat felt like those first flutters I felt during my 2nd trimester which were the first movements of Hailey’s that I was feeling. Feeling your baby move about in your tummy and ‘kicking’ around is one of those miraculous events that I am blessed to have had.

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March 20, 2010 at 3:23 PM Leave a comment

Hailey’s 3 Month Birthday, This Little Light of Mine

Hailey would have turned 3 months old today. I can hardly believe it. Time really has been flying by.

One month ago, when I wrote a post on her 2 month birthday I was really struggling with my grief. I wrote about how I didn’t feel like celebrating and I felt more sorrow than joy that day. Well I’m happy to say that I feel like I’m able to celebrate her and find more joy than sorrow today on what would have been her 3 month birthday.

When Hailey was with us, we knew we wouldn’t be able to celebrate any ‘year’ birthdays with her. She would have no first birthday party. She would have no sweet sixteen. And so on. We also knew that we might not even be able to celebrate any ‘month’ birthdays with her. So we decided to celebrate her ‘week’ birthdays.

Thankfully, God blessed us with 5 (‘week’) birthdays that we got to celebrate with her, and we were even able to celebrate her 1 month birthday. I am truly thankful and feel very blessed that we had those opportunities to celebrate her birthdays.

I remember listening in on a phone conversation Josh was having with a friend while Hailey was with us. I heard him talk about how we were celebrating Hailey’s birthdays with some sort of Birthday cake and how we’d sing her “Happy Birthday,” etc. And he said to his friend that we did those things more for me (and us) than for Hailey.

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March 1, 2010 at 7:05 AM 3 comments

Hailey’s Purpose

To my readers: Finally, I’m taking time to write the post I’ve been longing to write. I hope that as many people read this post as possible – so please share with others if you feel led to. This is a long one. I tried to make it short, but I honestly could probably write an entire book about this post, and I know this post will still not do Hailey’s story justice, but it’s a start. So please take the time to read the entire thing if you can. Oh and you may be wondering why I’m writing in pink – I want to make sure this post stands out. 🙂

On December 4, 2009, when Hailey was three days old, in a NICU at the Children’s Hospital in Birmingham, AL, doctors told us that Hailey had full Trisomy 18, a lethal genetic disorder. On that day, our worst fear was realized, our baby was going to die.

QUESTIONS

There were so many questions I had and that others had and have in these situations. Why did our baby have to be sick? Why did she have to die? Why did this happen to her, a fragile little baby? Why did this happen to us, young, healthy, good people? Why did we have to lose our first child? Why do we have to experience this painful loss as young parents? What does this all mean? What good is there in this terrible situation? Where is God in this?

GOD SPEAKS

I prayed and prayed. I talked to God, a lot. I asked Him so many questions – many of those mentioned above. On December 29, 2009, when Hailey was 4 weeks old, I attempted to soak away my troubles and stress in a hot bath. There, alone in the tub, I broke down into heavy weeping and started a conversation with God that I wrote down in my journal and will never forget for the rest of my life. God will speak to us if we listen. And that night He spoke to me with clarity that I had never experienced before.

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February 18, 2010 at 2:29 PM 5 comments

My sweet lullabies

This morning I need to write a post that is more ‘happy’ for myself for I fear that today could be tough day – just getting one of those feelings… so here it goes…this is another one of those very personal memories that I have only shared with my husband… but it’s one of my happiest and don’t want to keep it to myself.

My favorite moments spent with Hailey occurred when I was alone with her. When it was just me and her. Mom and daughter. In these moments I would be standing up or sitting in my glider. I would hold her close to me. And I would begin rocking her gently. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms. In these moments I found tremendous joy, and in these memories I continue to find joy.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I am not the singing type. I cannot carry a tune what-so-ever. I am not tone-deaf – I can HEAR that I don’t sound good. So I never sing in front of anyone. And I always wondered to  myself – how can I be a good mom when I can’t sing? All moms sing to their babies – what am I going to do? Hailey will hate my voice and I will not sing in front of others because that would just be embarrassing. There would be nothing soothing about my singing!

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February 13, 2010 at 5:25 AM 2 comments

Some things I’m remembering about Hailey today…

Well I just finished watching some of our home videos of Hailey… I hadn’t watched them since her memorial service. Seeing her and hearing her (little coos and little cries) was unbelievably refreshing and comforting (I didn’t even cry!). The fear of forgetting her is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. Thankfully, having the videos always me to remember her vividly.

So like I mentioned in the earlier post today, today I am choosing to remember Hailey and celebrate all that she was while she was with us.

I’m remembering… (more…)

February 2, 2010 at 1:17 AM Leave a comment

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Photos

These pictures were taken by an organization called “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” while Josh and I were in the hospital with Hailey.


January 20, 2010 at 4:03 AM 3 comments

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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