Posts tagged ‘Letters to Hailey’

Another cleaning of sorts…

Well this weekend Josh and I went through Hailey’s room… it took several hours Friday and several hours Saturday. I handled it pretty well. It was hard and sad of course, but I didn’t cry or feel like I needed to. I wanted to stay strong and positive because if I didn’t that could have been the most gut-wrenching, heart-wrenching, grief-stricken experience since coming home to our empty house.

For me personally I needed to go through Hailey’s room for some closure. Her room has been left a mess all these months since she’s passed. All of her belongings that were scattered about the house while she was with us had been hastily, but lovingly all placed into piles in her room. All of the cards and gifts and other things that were leftover from her memorial service added to the disarray in her room. (more…)


May 17, 2010 at 9:23 PM 1 comment

Hailey’s 3 Month Heavenly Birthday, Finding Healing In the Midst of Grief

Three months ago today was probably the most devastating day of my entire life. Before it felt like time was speeding by and it didn’t feel real when 1 month passed, then 2 months… but now at 3 months… I really feel like it’s been a very long time since I last held Hailey in my arms… It feels so long ago. I feel like I’ve literally been to the end of the world and back. This journey has taken its toll on me. I feel aged beyond my 25 years. I once referenced someone referring to their journey through grief as a journey of expansion…an expansion of the soul…and boy do I feel that now. But it’s a good expansion.

I wrote one post about the day Hailey passed away and that is probably all I will ever write about it. I can remember the day, but I don’t like spending much time in that memory and dwelling on the details and feelings. Today is not a day of remembering what it was like the day she passed away.


April 6, 2010 at 1:48 PM 2 comments

Hailey’s 4 Month Birthday, Let the Light Shine

Today, April 1, 2010 is not remembered for being April Fool’s Day. To me, April 1st is the day that would have been Hailey’s 4 month birthday. I really can’t believe she would have been that old!

As I mentioned in last month’s post. Today I am choosing not to be full of sadness that Hailey is not here to celebrate being 4 months old. Instead, I am choosing to celebrate her life. From the moment God started knitting her together in my womb (which was a little over a year ago) to the moment I last held her and kissed her goodnight. She was with me for 9 months (in my belly) and 36 days (in my arms). Today I thank God for her life. Her short but amazing life. I know that I say that a lot, but I can’t say it enough.

Who would have thought such a tiny 5lb fragile baby girl who only lived a little over a month on this earth could have made such an impact – on my life, mine and my husband’s lives, and the lives of some of my family and friends…

Of course I miss her today, I do everyday. But the joy and love I have in remembering her and remembering the times we shared together as mother and daughter fills any empty place in my heart today. What an amazing feeling of being a parent. I love it and thank God for it. Today I focus on the gifts God has given me which include the list above, which includes the short life of my daughter. (more…)

April 1, 2010 at 12:57 PM Leave a comment

The secret I carry

Well, I’m missing Hailey tonight…not that I don’t every night…but tonight it comes with its companions: feelings of sadness and emptiness…

While I’ve been doing much better lately, like I referred to in my last post, I have to remember to keep my ‘armor’ on since I am still in constant battle against my grief. Just because I am more okay in some situations that used to tear me apart, doesn’t mean I should go rocking the boat …

For instance, the other night I looked up the saddest scene from a movie ever on YouTube. You know the one; the scene from Dumbo where Dumbo’s mom is locked in chains and being kept from her child. Then Dumbo visits his mom and she manages to rock him while the song “Baby Be Mine” is playing in the background. And while the song plays and tears are streaming down the the momma elephant’s face, the images on the screen switch to all the other happy momma and baby animals together.

Ugh. Why in the world would I do that to myself? That scene has always made me cry. Why in the world would I watch that scene and listen to that sad song after losing my daughter. Clearly I can relate to Dumbo’s mom as I’m permanently separated from my child and watching all the other happy moms with their children too. I have no idea what made me do that…but it was not a good idea.


March 24, 2010 at 11:17 PM 1 comment

Peace and Love

My grief has a new face these days, and I’ve struggled to understand it at times. I feel very at peace. Throughout this journey, starting at Hailey’s birth until a few weeks ago, I could sense God’s peace. But this peace that I’m feeling lately… It’s so much greater than I had ever expected to feel. Especially with Hailey not even being gone 3 months yet.

I feel like I’m “okay.” I’m content. I feel really at peace at times. I think of Hailey throughout my day every day. I still continue to miss her every day, and I know I always will. But the way I miss her now is so much different than the way I missed her a month ago. It’s so different and I can’t really explain it…My heart no longer feels so very broken. It’s not whole, but I can feel God healing it.


March 22, 2010 at 7:01 PM 1 comment

2 Months in Heaven

Today Hailey has been in Heaven for 2 months. She’s been in Heaven longer than she was on earth, and that’s a hard fact to accept and one that will always be.

I have to say that God has really blessed me this week. After my post “The Great Sadness…” I have really been actively checking myself to see where my mind is at and making sure it’s in the present the majority of the time. And I think because I have changed my perspective, God has enabled me to have a good week in terms of my grief.

I wouldn’t say any day this week was necessarily joyous, but I guess I would say that I have felt a sense of contentment that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Dare I say it…things almost seem ‘right’ again…almost…. things have felt so miserably wrong for so long. But that feeling is changing. At least this week it is.

So on 2 month anniversary of Hailey’s death, I’m feeling okay. I miss her every single day, and I still think of her often throughout my day. But my grief has no longer locked me down on the ground. I’m up and moving again, and I hope to stay that way. Although I am in a bit of that suspense stage, wondering if or when it will hit me and take me down again…


March 6, 2010 at 9:38 AM Leave a comment

Hailey’s 3 Month Birthday, This Little Light of Mine

Hailey would have turned 3 months old today. I can hardly believe it. Time really has been flying by.

One month ago, when I wrote a post on her 2 month birthday I was really struggling with my grief. I wrote about how I didn’t feel like celebrating and I felt more sorrow than joy that day. Well I’m happy to say that I feel like I’m able to celebrate her and find more joy than sorrow today on what would have been her 3 month birthday.

When Hailey was with us, we knew we wouldn’t be able to celebrate any ‘year’ birthdays with her. She would have no first birthday party. She would have no sweet sixteen. And so on. We also knew that we might not even be able to celebrate any ‘month’ birthdays with her. So we decided to celebrate her ‘week’ birthdays.

Thankfully, God blessed us with 5 (‘week’) birthdays that we got to celebrate with her, and we were even able to celebrate her 1 month birthday. I am truly thankful and feel very blessed that we had those opportunities to celebrate her birthdays.

I remember listening in on a phone conversation Josh was having with a friend while Hailey was with us. I heard him talk about how we were celebrating Hailey’s birthdays with some sort of Birthday cake and how we’d sing her “Happy Birthday,” etc. And he said to his friend that we did those things more for me (and us) than for Hailey.


March 1, 2010 at 7:05 AM 3 comments

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