Posts tagged ‘Joy’

Pictures, Pain, Passion

(Writer’s note: Don’t miss the end…)

Do you know how many pictures you have of your child? Or maybe if you don’t have children, do you know how many you have your significant other?

Your answer is probably no I’m guessing.

But do I know how many pictures I have of Hailey?

Unfortunately, my answer is yes.

I have 785 pictures that have to do with Hailey – from pregnancy pictures to baby showers to ultrasound pictures to actual pictures of her. Every single picture ever taken (even the ones with my eyes closed or that didn’t turn out just perfect) – 785 total. Which means that I have less than 785 pictures of just her – and if I wanted to, I could go through them all and count to find the number of ones that are just of her. (more…)

May 27, 2010 at 2:52 PM Leave a comment

Excited Again

When Hailey died, I could have died right along with her. In fact, part of me longed to die after we lost her because I didn’t want to live a life without her, suffering under the immense pain and sorrow of her loss. And many people who experience the death of a love one, allow a part of themselves to die too. Grief can be like that.

Well, I didn’t allow myself to do that. My faith didn’t allow me to do that. My God didn’t allow me to do that. I am so thankful to have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is faithful to me. I honestly don’t think I would have made it through losing Hailey if I didn’t have my relationship with my Savior. But even though I had that relationship and that faith, as you all know if you’ve read my blog before, it doesn’t make life perfect and my faith has been shaken and I have questioned.

For awhile I did feel that my future was hopeless. I feared I would never experience full happiness or contentment again. I feared I would never have anything to look forward to or be excited about again. For awhile, I really felt like my life was over. From the moment we learned that Hailey was going to die, I struggled in vain to have a picture of my future in my mind and the only thing I ever saw was black. It was black. It was empty. There was nothing there. And those moments made up my low points in this grieving process. Even as I began to experience God’s healing and feel my mourning turn into dancing, my future still was black – like I was blindfolded and couldn’t see. I didn’t know, couldn’t imagine, what God planned for my life after Hailey.

(more…)

April 17, 2010 at 2:05 PM 1 comment

Blessings and Answered Prayers

Well this week has been the polar opposite of last week. Last week I hit a lot of lows, and this week I’ve hit a lot of highs.

For starters, Hailey’s Hope has been amazing for me. It’s another thing that God is using to bring healing to my broken heart. As many of you know, at one point my mind was spending most of its time worry about the future. Most of those “future” thoughts included questions and worries about what I was going to do with my life now that I can no longer be the stay-at-home mom I had planned on being. I knew I wasn’t ready to go back to doing what I used to do and what I love, which is teaching (and practically speaking when we’re only going to be in Alabama for another year, starting a full time position regardless of the situation I’m in isn’t ideal). I also didn’t know if I was even ready to have a part time job of subbing or something else. Thankfully, the Army provides well for us, and I do not have to work unless I want to, and Josh supports that.

(more…)

April 14, 2010 at 4:49 PM 1 comment

My book-loving soul rejoices over these books!

(I can’t believe that this post will make 7 days in a row! yikes! I hope you’re not getting tired of me yet!)

Can I tell you how hard it was for me to find a good book on grief and/or infant loss when Hailey passed? Very hard! No one knew of any. A pastor recommended a few – none of which I could find in a store around here anywhere! I found a few on my own at the library, but they were duds. And don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of books on grief out there… but nothing was quite fitting what I was looking for …

Finally I ordered (and finally received after a huge ordeal with Borders) one of the books that was recommended to my by the pastor. Then I came across a devotional style book that looked encouraging on Amazon and ordered that with my Borders order (that again finally came after a big mix up over a month after I was supposed to receive it). And then, through a blog I came across and started following, I found another hopeful devotional written by the author of the blog.

Well, I am rejoicing over how wonderful these 3 books are! And I have to share them on here (and I will add them to my “Turn Mourning into Dancing” page later under my book resources).

(more…)

April 7, 2010 at 10:42 AM Leave a comment

A quick happy to share

My friend and I used to call anything that happened to us that made us happy a happy or happies – we changed the adjective into a noun.

So today, just a quick happy to share…

On Hailey’s 4 month birthday, I received the best, unexpected present in the mail.

New pictures of Hailey that I had never seen before! I don’t think there is anything better. When you lose a child, the pictures you have are the pictures you have. There will never be anymore. I remember feeling sad the day I uploaded the last images I had of Hailey to my 3rd facebook album containing her pictures.

But then, when we came back from her memorial service and our stay back home, I had our pictures from Now I Lay Me Down to sleep. New pictures when I thought there would be no more. Another gift with perfect timing.

And then almost 3 months since Hailey passed, I really thought I would never see or have any new pictures of her.

But I was wrong! My mom had taken pictures (on her ancient 35mm camera) of Hailey and us during her stay here right before Hailey passed away, and she just managed to send them to me now. I thought perhaps it would have been late timing, but God made it just right.

What a perfect present for me on Hailey’s birthday. Again, new pictures when I thought there would be no more.

It’s like seeing her again for the first time. Remembering more memories of her. They bring me back to her again. Seeing those new photos bring a new excitement and a new joy.

Definitely a happy. 🙂

April 3, 2010 at 8:53 AM 2 comments

Hailey’s 4 Month Birthday, Let the Light Shine

Today, April 1, 2010 is not remembered for being April Fool’s Day. To me, April 1st is the day that would have been Hailey’s 4 month birthday. I really can’t believe she would have been that old!

As I mentioned in last month’s post. Today I am choosing not to be full of sadness that Hailey is not here to celebrate being 4 months old. Instead, I am choosing to celebrate her life. From the moment God started knitting her together in my womb (which was a little over a year ago) to the moment I last held her and kissed her goodnight. She was with me for 9 months (in my belly) and 36 days (in my arms). Today I thank God for her life. Her short but amazing life. I know that I say that a lot, but I can’t say it enough.

Who would have thought such a tiny 5lb fragile baby girl who only lived a little over a month on this earth could have made such an impact – on my life, mine and my husband’s lives, and the lives of some of my family and friends…

Of course I miss her today, I do everyday. But the joy and love I have in remembering her and remembering the times we shared together as mother and daughter fills any empty place in my heart today. What an amazing feeling of being a parent. I love it and thank God for it. Today I focus on the gifts God has given me which include the list above, which includes the short life of my daughter. (more…)

April 1, 2010 at 12:57 PM Leave a comment

Heartbeat

Today officially marks the first day of spring. And thankfully it feels like spring here in AL unlike back in my hometown in IL where they are experiencing snow today. To celebrate the warm spring weather and rid myself of this hideous white glow I have, I laid out a blanket on our back lawn and immersed myself in the sun’s rays. It felt good to feel the sun’s warmth and the refreshing light breeze on my skin. A perfect day and a perfect way to relax.

As I turned onto my stomach and laid there enjoying the beautiful afternoon, a weird thing happened. I could feel my stomach pulsing from my heartbeat. Literally I felt my heartbeat in my stomach. Strangely and amazingly, it was reminiscent of feeling Hailey moving in my belly. My heartbeat felt like those first flutters I felt during my 2nd trimester which were the first movements of Hailey’s that I was feeling. Feeling your baby move about in your tummy and ‘kicking’ around is one of those miraculous events that I am blessed to have had.

(more…)

March 20, 2010 at 3:23 PM Leave a comment

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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