Posts tagged ‘Guilt’

Random musings…mostly about my guilt-complex

Well since my last post, I have actually had a couple of ‘good’ days in a row. Getting out of bed hasn’t been so hard. I’ve managed to do several things I enjoy and have some fun. Unfortunately, having fun still comes with a guilt-complex for me. I wonder if/ when that will ever go away…

So I’ll share something kind of random. I usually like to keep my toes and finger nails painted. My toes are usually painted 99% of the time – fingers not as often because they chip so much faster. But anyway, I am one who enjoys that part of ‘my look.’ However, I have not had my toes and nails painted since before I was very round with Hailey. While I was pregnant it just wasn’t possible for me to reach my toes. After we had Hailey, it wasn’t really high on my list of things to do – didn’t have much time – and when I did have time to myself I wasn’t interested in painting them. It’s been over a month now since Hailey has passed and since then I have painted my nails once. Pink. For her memorial service. Toes, still nothing. What’s keeping me? Honestly, my guilt-complex. I honestly cannot bring myself to paint my fingers or my toes. Weird right? Probably not a good thing either…

(more…)

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February 9, 2010 at 2:17 AM 2 comments

Struggling with selfishness

Yesterday Josh and I had a busy day. We spent the day with our dog, Opie, visiting two of my bestest friends. We spent the day at my one friend’s house just chatting and hanging out while Opie played with her dogs. Then we went out to dinner with my other friend. After dinner Josh and I went shopping at a mall, just the two of us. We went so that we could each buy a locket (to put Hailey’s picture in of course) and have it engraved with her name – something so that we could each feel like she was still with us… something else to help us remember her and so that other people know she is still a part of our life…

It was the first day since Hailey passed away that I had a really good day. I laughed and smiled more than I had in a very long time. It felt good. And the hole in my heart didn’t feel so big yesterday. It was nice…

But at the same time, it wasn’t. I’m now able to do all of the things I couldn’t do when I had Hailey – and many of the things I couldn’t do when I was pregnant. A part of my mind tells me I shouldn’t be out shopping all night with my husband, I should be at home taking care of my baby girl. I shouldn’t be able to go to the movies, I should be at home taking care of my baby girl…

I’m able to get lost in a book for hours at a time now that Hailey’s gone – something I had longed to do when I had her. I’m able to go wherever I want whenever I want – something I had longed to do when I had Hailey. I HATE that I wanted to do so many things when I had Hailey. Why couldn’t spending time with her be enough? But no. I had Hailey, and I longed to do the things I could pre-pregnancy, pre-Hailey…

I was selfish. And now, as I’m doing these “fun” things, a part of my mind – the not so good part I know – cruelly tells me – “You got what you wanted. Are you happy?” The same dark part of my mind tells me Hailey died because of my selfishness – like it was God saying, “you really wanted those things, well now you have them – how does it feel?”

When I step back and become logical again – I know those thoughts are not true and not from God… but I have to be honest, I still have them. And I know that getting out of the house and having fun is not a selfish thing right now – it’s actually good for me. But I still feel selfish sometimes…

January 16, 2010 at 1:49 AM 2 comments


Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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