Posts tagged ‘Grief’

Pair of Shoes Poem

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them. (more…)

May 24, 2010 at 3:35 PM Leave a comment

Investing for the Better

Lately I’ve been thinking about this whole thing of “bitter or better.” Will the experience of burying my baby leave me bitter? Will it make me put up walls, close my heart, not want to feel, not want to live, be angry, be miserable, and so on? Or will the experience of giving birth to Hailey and saying goodbye to her 36 days later leave me better because of it? Will I keep her in my heart and go on to live my life to the fullest, seek joy over my sorrow, strive to be the best person I can be while on this earth, make the lives of others better, have a light in my eyes and a smile on my face?

I am determined to be better.

It’s easier to be bitter and all the other things that come along with it, as I’ve mentioned before. Being better takes effort, but don’t most things that are worthwhile take effort? Not only does being better take effort, sometimes it is just plain hard, especially because grief has a tendency to suck all of the life and energy out of you.

Grieving is, amongst other things, exhausting. There are many times since Hailey has passed that I have just simply not had anything left to give to anyone. I have felt everything stripped away…like I’ve given everything I could and it was taken away… my grief was sucking all of the energy out of me. My mind, my heart, couldn’t deal with anything else. The grief consumed me. And part of it is also that fact that it’s scary to give of yourself again when you’ve given and had it taken from you. I think the exhaustion that results from grief is one of the reasons why it is also so common for grieving people to isolate themselves.

Thankfully I didn’t isolate myself after losing Hailey and my dad. Even though I was geographically isolated from family and many friends, I still went out into the world, to church, Bible study, the gym, etc. and interacted with people.  But I’ve realized lately that I haven’t given much of myself to anyone. I haven’t made any effort to invest in someone and be their friend. Investing in people takes energy and effort that I simply just did not have. (more…)

May 20, 2010 at 3:35 PM 1 comment

Taken captive by fear; ‘why do I doubt?’

(It’s a long one, but this one is more for me than for you…)

My mind and my heart are all over the place these days, which has caused me to become scatter-brained and forgetful and make mistakes left and right because I can’t focus or think straight. For instance, in the last couple of weeks or so I’ve placed two orders online and did them incorrectly. I left our back door wide open which allowed Opie to make a quick, easy escape and go play in our neighborhood without my realizing it happened. I wore flip flops to an aerobics dance class. My mind and heart seem lost from me… and so does God.

But first, before I get into that, today it has been 4 months since I held Hailey in my arms and this anniversary of her passing is probably the hardest so far. And that is something I didn’t quite expect. I thought it would continue to be ‘easier’ as time passed, but instead I feel as though I’ve gone backwards and got stuck…when I had been going forward for so long. This week has proved to be a difficult one and I’m not even through with it yet. But it is difficult in a way I never expected, and I have hit a roadblock in my journey and I am at a standstill. (more…)

May 6, 2010 at 2:45 PM 2 comments

Bitterness is easy

“Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky,

are best relieved by the letting of a little water.” ~Antoine Rivarol

Well the other night, the night of my last post, I started deeply missing Hailey. And of course I cried as the dull aching that comes along with the depths of that loneliness and longing for her swept over me. I haven’t had that happen in a long time. In fact, I thought to myself as I cried, “It’s about time.” The flood gates opened back up to release some of the pain and anger and bitterness of unaddressed things in my grief. It felt good to release some tears. Not that missing her and crying ever feels good… but tears really do help heal and eventually bring relief.

(and by the way, when I say that I haven’t missed Hailey and cried in a long time, I don’t want you to think I haven’t missed her or been sad in a long time. Rather, I mean I haven’t been to that level in a long time. I miss her every single day (and could cry every single day if I let myself)…but I’ve come to learn that there almost different depths, levels, kinds of sorrows involved in grief…)

I don’t know what triggered the longing and missing and crying. Could have been any of a million things. But if I had to pick something, it would probably be the thoughts and feelings that came up when I wrote my last post. (more…)

April 28, 2010 at 2:08 PM 1 comment

…when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive…

I’ve heard this song many times before. But today was the first day I took the time to listen to the words Natalie Grant sings…and in doing so I discovered my heart crying out to each word as I realized how deeply this song speaks to me and of me. Would you take the time to listen to this song and the lyrics behind it?

And I have a confession. Another one. (more…)

April 26, 2010 at 7:26 PM 1 comment

Difficult days lay ahead…

As I wrote down an appointment on my monthly planner for May, I looked at what events would be coming up… And then I saw that the first week of May, piled full with events that are going to make it a difficult one.

Here is a picture from my planner:

(more…)

April 22, 2010 at 12:06 PM 1 comment

Excited Again

When Hailey died, I could have died right along with her. In fact, part of me longed to die after we lost her because I didn’t want to live a life without her, suffering under the immense pain and sorrow of her loss. And many people who experience the death of a love one, allow a part of themselves to die too. Grief can be like that.

Well, I didn’t allow myself to do that. My faith didn’t allow me to do that. My God didn’t allow me to do that. I am so thankful to have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is faithful to me. I honestly don’t think I would have made it through losing Hailey if I didn’t have my relationship with my Savior. But even though I had that relationship and that faith, as you all know if you’ve read my blog before, it doesn’t make life perfect and my faith has been shaken and I have questioned.

For awhile I did feel that my future was hopeless. I feared I would never experience full happiness or contentment again. I feared I would never have anything to look forward to or be excited about again. For awhile, I really felt like my life was over. From the moment we learned that Hailey was going to die, I struggled in vain to have a picture of my future in my mind and the only thing I ever saw was black. It was black. It was empty. There was nothing there. And those moments made up my low points in this grieving process. Even as I began to experience God’s healing and feel my mourning turn into dancing, my future still was black – like I was blindfolded and couldn’t see. I didn’t know, couldn’t imagine, what God planned for my life after Hailey.

(more…)

April 17, 2010 at 2:05 PM 1 comment

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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