Posts tagged ‘God Speaks’

Cleansing ~ Part 1

First, I don’t know what it is about this month, but it has been very draining emotionally for me. I wonder where the strong woman rejoicing during her loss and trials went to… I want her back. Instead, the majority of this month I have felt tired, beaten down, defeated by life…and somehow my hope, amongst other things, seems to have disappeared. My negative thoughts overwhelm me, and my feelings linger towards hopelessness, anger, and bitterness. And a part of me has become angry that God has allowed so much pain and suffering in my life and seems to bless so many of my friends and family with the very things that were taken away from me and/or that I long for. (more…)

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May 13, 2010 at 9:43 PM Leave a comment

Missing her… in a different way…

I feel like I haven’t really written about Hailey in a long time. I mean, I write about things that have to do with her, but they’re really not about her. In fact, I’ve found myself frustrated with this occurrence in my life lately. I think about things having to do with Hailey – like this blog, starting Hailey’s Hope, I look at her picture and I think Hailey, I look at her footprint on my necklace and I think Hailey – but all the while I am not really thinking about her.

Does that make sense?

It was is really frustrating that I’m doing that. I hate to say this, and hate to admit this, but it’s getting hard to really think about her and really truly remember her… not hard in that I can’t deal with the sadness or deal with it emotionally so I don’t do it…but hard in that it no longer comes as naturally, but instead takes more of a conscious effort now.

I’ve realized that I can think about Hailey all day long…and miss her completely.

(more…)

April 20, 2010 at 8:28 PM 1 comment

When it rains, it pours…My mess after the storm…

(Disclaimer: This will probably be a long one…there are probably like 3 posts in one, and it might be a little all over the place…but I have a lot I need to get off my chest so bear  with me please…)

My Grief This Week, Mostly Yesterday…

It seems like it always happens that just when I seem to be doing really well with my grief, life is looking good again, I’m finding joy and blessings around me, and I write a post about it – that that’s when things come crashing down on me. I hit a lot of highs over the past couple of weeks; I should have known a low was building up waiting to come crashing down on me… Dumb grief.

This week wasn’t an altogether bad week or anything. But for some reason I found myself crying more. I guess if I look around I can probably pin point some things that led to that…

(more…)

April 9, 2010 at 10:03 AM 8 comments

Random musings…mostly about my guilt-complex

Well since my last post, I have actually had a couple of ‘good’ days in a row. Getting out of bed hasn’t been so hard. I’ve managed to do several things I enjoy and have some fun. Unfortunately, having fun still comes with a guilt-complex for me. I wonder if/ when that will ever go away…

So I’ll share something kind of random. I usually like to keep my toes and finger nails painted. My toes are usually painted 99% of the time – fingers not as often because they chip so much faster. But anyway, I am one who enjoys that part of ‘my look.’ However, I have not had my toes and nails painted since before I was very round with Hailey. While I was pregnant it just wasn’t possible for me to reach my toes. After we had Hailey, it wasn’t really high on my list of things to do – didn’t have much time – and when I did have time to myself I wasn’t interested in painting them. It’s been over a month now since Hailey has passed and since then I have painted my nails once. Pink. For her memorial service. Toes, still nothing. What’s keeping me? Honestly, my guilt-complex. I honestly cannot bring myself to paint my fingers or my toes. Weird right? Probably not a good thing either…

(more…)

February 9, 2010 at 2:17 AM 2 comments

Hailey’s 2 Month Birthday

Today, Hailey would have turned two months old. Today is a difficult day. I’m not sure what to make of these types of markers in time. I want to remember her on her birthdays (months, years). Yet, right now, today is bringing me more sorrow than joy. I want to remember her…but I can’t celebrate this birthday of hers. It’s just a painful reminder she’s not here, and we won’t get to celebrate any more birthdays with her. And it makes me want her back too badly. And I’ll see other babies who are about her age and try to imagine what she’d look like…and it hurts and is probably going to continue to hurt over the years.

So I guess I just need to readjust my approach to her birthdays – because I want to note them and “celebrate” them. I don’t want to forget or ignore, and I want other people to remember her (and us) on these days too.

(more…)

February 1, 2010 at 5:56 PM 1 comment

Really God?

God has really been speaking to me lately through my online devotional “Girlfriends in God.” Today’s truth: Philippians 4:4 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” How interesting of a truth to be shared with me right now. Exactly a week after Hailey’s passing and after learning that my dad is really sick. Rejoice when it seems like my life is being ripped apart? When it seems like the people I love the most are suffering or being taken from me? Rejoice God?? What timing for me to be reminded of this Biblical truth. But what timing it is! God is perfect in his ways and his timing. And while one may wonder how can I possibly praise God and rejoice in Him at a time like this… well God knows that’s exactly what I need to do.

So today will be a day of mourning Hailey – but I will listen to what God needs me to hear – and today will be a day rejoicing. What could I possibly rejoice over? I will rejoice in the 39 weeks Hailey spent in my womb and the 36 AMAZING days God gave me on Earth to spend with Hailey. I will rejoice in God’s perfection and love and peace and his sovereignty.

January 13, 2010 at 4:51 PM Leave a comment


Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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