Posts tagged ‘Fear’

From Fear to Freedom

I came upon an uplifting, somewhat surprising, maybe even life-changing, realization a few days ago: I have nothing to fear.

Think about that. Think of your life. Think of your greatest fear. Then remove that fear. Imagine it. How freeing is it?! Feel it!

So I am proclaiming that at this point in my life. I have nothing to fear. Why you ask? Because the thing I fear happening the most in my life happened.

If you were confronted with answering the question, what are you afraid of most in your life? What would you answer? For me it always has been and always will be the deaths of the people I love and living without them. Someone I love. Someone close to my heart.  (Yes we all deal with the deaths of loved ones, grandparents and other relatives, but I mean a close someone. Like a child, spouse, parent, best friend…someone you talk to every day, someone who impacts your life every day, someone you share your life with…)

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May 18, 2010 at 9:32 PM 1 comment

Taken captive by fear; ‘why do I doubt?’

(It’s a long one, but this one is more for me than for you…)

My mind and my heart are all over the place these days, which has caused me to become scatter-brained and forgetful and make mistakes left and right because I can’t focus or think straight. For instance, in the last couple of weeks or so I’ve placed two orders online and did them incorrectly. I left our back door wide open which allowed Opie to make a quick, easy escape and go play in our neighborhood without my realizing it happened. I wore flip flops to an aerobics dance class. My mind and heart seem lost from me… and so does God.

But first, before I get into that, today it has been 4 months since I held Hailey in my arms and this anniversary of her passing is probably the hardest so far. And that is something I didn’t quite expect. I thought it would continue to be ‘easier’ as time passed, but instead I feel as though I’ve gone backwards and got stuck…when I had been going forward for so long. This week has proved to be a difficult one and I’m not even through with it yet. But it is difficult in a way I never expected, and I have hit a roadblock in my journey and I am at a standstill. (more…)

May 6, 2010 at 2:45 PM 2 comments

Letting go of desperately reaching

I really have to say that I appreciated C.S. Lewis’s book A Grief Observed a lot. As I read his journal entries recording his experience with his grief, I found that much of his thoughts and feelings were my own…as his changed, my changed too…I found myself relating to his experience of grief most of the time.

As I mention often in my posts, one of the hardest things about losing Hailey – is the “losing” part. I don’t want to feel like she’s lost. I don’t want to forget her. I fear forgetting her, not being able to remember, and so on. I mentioned something Lewis shared in his book that I have experienced too which is how pictures of our loved ones who have passed away function in our lives. I am so thankful for the pictures and video I have of Hailey – they do help me remember her at times. But at the same time, they are sometimes a “block” to who Hailey really was. A picture cannot capture Hailey as I truly knew her. A video comes close, but it doesn’t capture everything about her, her smell, her touch, etc. Those pictures and videos can actually impede on our memory of the person. Because after all, they are not the person.

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February 9, 2010 at 11:03 PM 1 comment

Who knew my worst nightmare would turn out to be an amazing blessing

Over the nine months I was pregnant with Hailey, I prayed for her development and health almost every day. I modified my eating habits and lifestyle so that I could be healthy and have a healthy baby. I took prenatal vitamins daily. I didn’t drink or smoke (not that I do normally anyway) or have too much caffeine or engage in any other risky behavior for pregnant women. I prayed and did what I was supposed to do in order to have a healthy baby. According to statistics, because of my age, my weight, my health history, etc. the chances of Josh and I have a baby with a health problem was very unlikely.

But it all didn’t matter. In the end, I was not in control of my daughter’s creation or development or even life. God was.

In all honesty, having a baby that was ‘retarded’ or that had mental or physical problems was probably one of the things I feared and dreaded happening to me (or my baby) the most. Truth be told, I didn’t want a ‘retarded’ child or a child with disabilities. Not me. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t want it – for me, for my baby. I wanted her to be healthy and have a normal happy life. And I tried to do everything I could to make sure my baby was healthy and I didn’t have that problem. Statistics were in my favor after all…

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January 31, 2010 at 3:21 PM 3 comments

Letting go and holding on…

So I just uploaded the last pictures I took of Hailey to facebook…(sigh)…that was hard. They were taken January 5, 2010 on her 5 week birthday, which was also the day before she passed away.

As the number of days increase from when she passed away, the harder it seems to get. I have less and less to do that involves her, and I have to try to transition back to “normal” life – whatever that is…but I know that it doesn’t include her anymore. 😦 That’s one of the reasons this blog is so helpful to me – because it’s kind of like the one thing I can hold onto that has to do with her.

I know that when people in my life have lost loved ones – like my grandma losing my grandpa or my friend losing her dad, etc. – that I’ve been afraid to bring up the person they lost to them because I don’t want to make them sad. I know that many people feel afraid to broach the subject of someone who has passed away because they don’t want to make anyone’s grief come back, etc. But for me on the other side now, I LOVE talking about Hailey. My fear is not that someone will bring her up and make me sad, my fear is that no one will bring her up and I’ll never get to talk about her again…

So by all means, if you’re reading this and want to talk to me about Hailey, please DO! I really can’t say it enough – I LOVE talking about her and remembering her…

January 13, 2010 at 4:48 AM 2 comments


Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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