Posts tagged ‘Anniversary’

Taken captive by fear; ‘why do I doubt?’

(It’s a long one, but this one is more for me than for you…)

My mind and my heart are all over the place these days, which has caused me to become scatter-brained and forgetful and make mistakes left and right because I can’t focus or think straight. For instance, in the last couple of weeks or so I’ve placed two orders online and did them incorrectly. I left our back door wide open which allowed Opie to make a quick, easy escape and go play in our neighborhood without my realizing it happened. I wore flip flops to an aerobics dance class. My mind and heart seem lost from me… and so does God.

But first, before I get into that, today it has been 4 months since I held Hailey in my arms and this anniversary of her passing is probably the hardest so far. And that is something I didn’t quite expect. I thought it would continue to be ‘easier’ as time passed, but instead I feel as though I’ve gone backwards and got stuck…when I had been going forward for so long. This week has proved to be a difficult one and I’m not even through with it yet. But it is difficult in a way I never expected, and I have hit a roadblock in my journey and I am at a standstill. (more…)

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May 6, 2010 at 2:45 PM 2 comments

5 months

Five months ago today I gave birth to my daughter.  I can hardly believe that if she was still with us she would have turned 5 months old. Yesterday while driving in the car my mind wandered ahead and tried to imagine the day I would be thinking Hailey would have celebrated her sweet sixteen today. I wonder if for the rest of my life I will look at children that would be close to the age she would have been and try to imagine her… (more…)

May 1, 2010 at 1:38 PM Leave a comment

Difficult days lay ahead…

As I wrote down an appointment on my monthly planner for May, I looked at what events would be coming up… And then I saw that the first week of May, piled full with events that are going to make it a difficult one.

Here is a picture from my planner:

(more…)

April 22, 2010 at 12:06 PM 1 comment

When it rains, it pours…My mess after the storm…

(Disclaimer: This will probably be a long one…there are probably like 3 posts in one, and it might be a little all over the place…but I have a lot I need to get off my chest so bear  with me please…)

My Grief This Week, Mostly Yesterday…

It seems like it always happens that just when I seem to be doing really well with my grief, life is looking good again, I’m finding joy and blessings around me, and I write a post about it – that that’s when things come crashing down on me. I hit a lot of highs over the past couple of weeks; I should have known a low was building up waiting to come crashing down on me… Dumb grief.

This week wasn’t an altogether bad week or anything. But for some reason I found myself crying more. I guess if I look around I can probably pin point some things that led to that…

(more…)

April 9, 2010 at 10:03 AM 8 comments

Hailey’s 3 Month Heavenly Birthday, Finding Healing In the Midst of Grief

Three months ago today was probably the most devastating day of my entire life. Before it felt like time was speeding by and it didn’t feel real when 1 month passed, then 2 months… but now at 3 months… I really feel like it’s been a very long time since I last held Hailey in my arms… It feels so long ago. I feel like I’ve literally been to the end of the world and back. This journey has taken its toll on me. I feel aged beyond my 25 years. I once referenced someone referring to their journey through grief as a journey of expansion…an expansion of the soul…and boy do I feel that now. But it’s a good expansion.

I wrote one post about the day Hailey passed away and that is probably all I will ever write about it. I can remember the day, but I don’t like spending much time in that memory and dwelling on the details and feelings. Today is not a day of remembering what it was like the day she passed away.

(more…)

April 6, 2010 at 1:48 PM 2 comments

Hailey’s 4 Month Birthday, Let the Light Shine

Today, April 1, 2010 is not remembered for being April Fool’s Day. To me, April 1st is the day that would have been Hailey’s 4 month birthday. I really can’t believe she would have been that old!

As I mentioned in last month’s post. Today I am choosing not to be full of sadness that Hailey is not here to celebrate being 4 months old. Instead, I am choosing to celebrate her life. From the moment God started knitting her together in my womb (which was a little over a year ago) to the moment I last held her and kissed her goodnight. She was with me for 9 months (in my belly) and 36 days (in my arms). Today I thank God for her life. Her short but amazing life. I know that I say that a lot, but I can’t say it enough.

Who would have thought such a tiny 5lb fragile baby girl who only lived a little over a month on this earth could have made such an impact – on my life, mine and my husband’s lives, and the lives of some of my family and friends…

Of course I miss her today, I do everyday. But the joy and love I have in remembering her and remembering the times we shared together as mother and daughter fills any empty place in my heart today. What an amazing feeling of being a parent. I love it and thank God for it. Today I focus on the gifts God has given me which include the list above, which includes the short life of my daughter. (more…)

April 1, 2010 at 12:57 PM Leave a comment

2 Months in Heaven

Today Hailey has been in Heaven for 2 months. She’s been in Heaven longer than she was on earth, and that’s a hard fact to accept and one that will always be.

I have to say that God has really blessed me this week. After my post “The Great Sadness…” I have really been actively checking myself to see where my mind is at and making sure it’s in the present the majority of the time. And I think because I have changed my perspective, God has enabled me to have a good week in terms of my grief.

I wouldn’t say any day this week was necessarily joyous, but I guess I would say that I have felt a sense of contentment that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Dare I say it…things almost seem ‘right’ again…almost…. things have felt so miserably wrong for so long. But that feeling is changing. At least this week it is.

So on 2 month anniversary of Hailey’s death, I’m feeling okay. I miss her every single day, and I still think of her often throughout my day. But my grief has no longer locked me down on the ground. I’m up and moving again, and I hope to stay that way. Although I am in a bit of that suspense stage, wondering if or when it will hit me and take me down again…

(more…)

March 6, 2010 at 9:38 AM Leave a comment

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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