From Fear to Freedom

I came upon an uplifting, somewhat surprising, maybe even life-changing, realization a few days ago: I have nothing to fear.

Think about that. Think of your life. Think of your greatest fear. Then remove that fear. Imagine it. How freeing is it?! Feel it!

So I am proclaiming that at this point in my life. I have nothing to fear. Why you ask? Because the thing I fear happening the most in my life happened.

If you were confronted with answering the question, what are you afraid of most in your life? What would you answer? For me it always has been and always will be the deaths of the people I love and living without them. Someone I love. Someone close to my heart.  (Yes we all deal with the deaths of loved ones, grandparents and other relatives, but I mean a close someone. Like a child, spouse, parent, best friend…someone you talk to every day, someone who impacts your life every day, someone you share your life with…)

(more…)

May 18, 2010 at 9:32 PM 1 comment

Another cleaning of sorts…

Well this weekend Josh and I went through Hailey’s room… it took several hours Friday and several hours Saturday. I handled it pretty well. It was hard and sad of course, but I didn’t cry or feel like I needed to. I wanted to stay strong and positive because if I didn’t that could have been the most gut-wrenching, heart-wrenching, grief-stricken experience since coming home to our empty house.

For me personally I needed to go through Hailey’s room for some closure. Her room has been left a mess all these months since she’s passed. All of her belongings that were scattered about the house while she was with us had been hastily, but lovingly all placed into piles in her room. All of the cards and gifts and other things that were leftover from her memorial service added to the disarray in her room. (more…)

May 17, 2010 at 9:23 PM 1 comment

Cleansing ~ Part 2 aka “Ducky”

Finally, a much needed blog post on little Hailey Marie. I was trying to find some inspiration about what to write about because, honestly, I’m afraid I’m running out of memories to write about…there are only so many… But my last entry inspired me to share some memories and thoughts about bath time with Hailey (trying to go along with the ‘cleansing’ theme).

As many of you moms out there know, bath time with a newborn isn’t much of a bath time as one my think. There are no bathtubs, bubbles, rubber duckies, etc. – although we had all of those items ready for when Hailey was going to be old enough for a “real” bath…unfortunately we never had a chance to use them with her. So anyways, before I get sidetracked, bath time for newborns is more of a sponge bath and is not done that often initially.

Hailey was about 2 weeks old when we gave her her first bath. And we really had no clue what we were doing… at least I didn’t. It’s one thing to have a healthy newborn baby on your hands and doing things like washing him/her for the first time with all those new parent anxieties where everything is a learning experience. But it’s completely another thing when on top of that your baby isn’t healthy, has an oxygen tube in her nose at all times so she can breathe fully, and has gauze and an ace bandage wrapped around her tummy incision and stitches. (more…)

May 14, 2010 at 4:02 PM Leave a comment

Cleansing ~ Part 1

First, I don’t know what it is about this month, but it has been very draining emotionally for me. I wonder where the strong woman rejoicing during her loss and trials went to… I want her back. Instead, the majority of this month I have felt tired, beaten down, defeated by life…and somehow my hope, amongst other things, seems to have disappeared. My negative thoughts overwhelm me, and my feelings linger towards hopelessness, anger, and bitterness. And a part of me has become angry that God has allowed so much pain and suffering in my life and seems to bless so many of my friends and family with the very things that were taken away from me and/or that I long for. (more…)

May 13, 2010 at 9:43 PM Leave a comment

Hailey’s Hope Update – 3 Weeks Left!

Hi y’all – (ok sorry I had to do the y’all thing just once… 🙂 ) Here’s another update on Hailey’s Hope.

We are 3 weeks away from our deadline of 20 gift bags by June 1st!

I am so happy with and encouraged by all of the generous and amazing donations we have received so far!

Here are some statistics and numbers regarding the status of our success as of today:

  • Over 20 individuals and families have donated to Hailey’s Hope.
  • With their support we have raised enough money to purchase 8 bags (and we already have 3 bags completed).
  • 29 blankets, 10 stuffed animals, 8 baby hats, 9 pairs of mittens, 12 pairs of socks, 1 picture frame, and 1 children’s book have been donated.

We just passed our halfway point to meeting our goal, but we still need more donations to reach (and maybe surpass!) our goal of 20 bags. (more…)

May 11, 2010 at 11:33 AM Leave a comment

Mother’s Day Reflections

Well… I survived last week (glad it is over), which also means I survived Mother’s Day. It was not as terrible as I anticipated or as it could have been, and I managed not to cry.

As I mentioned to my friend, it was as good of a Mother’s Day as I could have experienced without Hailey and I believe that was possible because of 2 things – 1. prayer and 2. perspective. I chose to focus on how proud and privileged I am to be Hailey’s mom. I was her mom before she was born, as she grew inside of me, I was her mom when she was born and graced us with 36 days of her life, and I am still her mom even though she is not here with me. Despite some of my fears and negative thinking, nothing can change the fact that I am her mother and she is my daughter, not even death. (more…)

May 10, 2010 at 2:04 PM Leave a comment

Proud to be Hailey’s momma

(more…)

May 8, 2010 at 10:05 AM 1 comment

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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