…when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive…

April 26, 2010 at 7:26 PM 1 comment

I’ve heard this song many times before. But today was the first day I took the time to listen to the words Natalie Grant sings…and in doing so I discovered my heart crying out to each word as I realized how deeply this song speaks to me and of me. Would you take the time to listen to this song and the lyrics behind it?

And I have a confession. Another one. I have admitted my angry moments with God. I have admitted my jealousy towards other women who are blessed with healthy babies and happy families. I have admitted the pain and hurt I feel at times when confronted with one of these women at the store, at the gym, on Facebook, etc. But I have been holding something inside since the day I learned Hailey was sick and not going to…could not… survive. And I haven’t acknowledged it for what it is… I’ve called it by other names…all the while dancing around the core of what it is I am actually feeling…unknowingly I have done this.

Yesterday in one of my devotionals, I read about anger during the storm. And it talked more in depth about anger than I had ever thought about before. Angry at God – sure who hasn’t been? Angry at another person – sure who hasn’t been? Angry with myself – of course! But when I began looking at where the anger is at in my grief, I discovered something I am really angry about.

I am angry with every pregnant woman I see. I am angry with most new moms holding their babies that I see. I may try to deny it because I don’t want to be angry … because I think it’s wrong that I’m angry… so I may call it something else, like jealousy or hurt or something. But I’m avoiding what it is. So I just need to claim it.

I am angry.

And I am sorry if you are one of those women I am angry with. I know I have no right to be angry with you. None of this is your fault. Nothing you did made me lose Hailey so you could keep your baby. I know that.  But nonetheless, my anger is there.

I was angry being wheeled out of the hospital after giving birth to Hailey without my baby in my arms. I was angry when I came home the next day to grab some items for our stay in Birmingham while Hailey was fighting for her life in the NICU and our next door neighbors had cars in the driveway with blue balloons and “Congratulations! It’s a boy!” signs plastered all over their house. I was angry that our neighbor was at home with her baby celebrating with friends and family and I wasn’t. I was angry this week when I viewed the pictures of the birth of an acquaintance’s child – angry that they had happy pictures from the day their child was born. I am constantly angry when I see or know of someone who is pregnant or has a healthy baby when they clearly don’t deserve it in my judgmental eyes – it was an accident, it wasn’t wanted, they’re smoking, they’re obese, they’re swearing a mile a minute…and so on… angry that they receive the blessing of a healthy child…and I didn’t.

It makes me mad. Furious. And at THEM. Not so much at God at this point in my journey – but THEM. Mothers who get to be all that I wanted to be with their unborn or newly born child. I am mad they get to keep their babies and I didn’t get to keep mine.

So this is me being honest with myself…and with you. I need to address it and confess it for my well being. If I didn’t, I know that those seeds of anger I have – that I didn’t ask for – that I don’t want – but that I have – I know that they will grow into bitterness, and if there is anything I do not want to be, it is a bitter, angry person. So hopefully in confessing it, it will help me deal with it in a healthy way… but this is a journey and I’m trying to figure out how to get rid of that anger.

The beautiful thing about this all is the same thing that is expressed in this song and YouTube video.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

That my God continually rescues me in this storm of losing Hailey and that includes rescuing me from anger and bitterness.

He may allow the storm to come…but he is holding his hand out for me asking me to join him…like he did with Peter. And if I allow him to hold me and rescue me…these truths in this famous Psalm (23) apply to me.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

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Entry filed under: Me. Tags: , , , .

Some quick updates from over the weekend Bitterness is easy

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Ainsley  |  April 26, 2010 at 8:07 PM

    I still feel the anger at times (more often than I even want to admit). Anger at myself, God, my husband, and those “other” women even though I fall into the catergory of one of those “other”s. I wish I could say it will go away. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me through you that I have to let go of some of my anger that has turned into resentment, and yes, bitterness. Thanks, Krissy, for your honesty.

    Reply

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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