Discouraged

March 26, 2010 at 1:38 PM Leave a comment

Well today I feel rather discouraged. I wrote a long, thoughtful post about Opie…memories of Opie with Hailey…about him as her big brother…about him as a companion to me… and of course, my computer or internet or blog decided to not work when I clicked save draft (and it didn’t do any of its usual automatic saves)… so when I went back to publish it, there was no post to be found… well the post was found, but it was blank… so that was pretty discouraging. It was one of those posts I put a lot of thought and time into.

And then I weighed myself (Friday mornings are my weigh-ins for myself)…and I didn’t lose a pound, not even an ounce. I stayed exactly the same as last week. I have 5 lbs left to lose by the end of next week so my goal was about 2 lbs a week. Well… didn’t meet that goal this week. Again, it was pretty discouraging.

After my discouraging start to the day, I was off to spinning. If you don’t know what spinning is, it’s torture on a bike. No it’s really not that bad, but the first week or two of spinning I thought it was torture. It’s basically like a cycling (bicycling) class, and it’s hard if you push yourself like you’re supposed to.

Well let me just tell you, I was feeling discouraged the entire time I was on that bike. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to exercise. I had no motivation. I didn’t want to feel my heart rate rise or be breathless as I worked out. I basically wanted to say “screw this” for lack of  a better phrase.

But I worked through it, and it was really challenging to say the least. It was one of those workouts where you are in constant battle against your mind which is telling you that you can’t do this, it’s too hard, just quit, and so on, and your body is screaming and burning with every move you make. I had to play mind games with myself and tell myself to shut up a few times  to get through the workout. But I did it. I pushed through it. And I’m glad I did. But I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t fun.

And now I’m actually kind of glad I had a discouraging start to my day because it gave me something to think about while I was ‘spinning’ and now I have something new to write about for my post.

Grief is really discouraging. At times during the grieving process, you feel beyond discouraged. You get those same thoughts in your head; you want to quit; you don’t think you can go on; you don’t want to go on. Getting out of bed is hard. Getting showered and out of the house is even harder. But eventually you fight, even though it’s challenging, and you get beyond the discouragement. But then moments sneak up on you that bring you back down to feeling completely discouraged like you will never get through this grief, you will never heal, you will never find joy again, and so on.

And my grief is discouraging at times. I hit the point where I didn’t want to do anything. I wanted to quit. But I am making progress with my grief. And sometimes I make progress – ten steps forward – and then I hit a bump and get discouraged – 2 steps back. It’s a continuing battle. If I get discouraged and don’t fight back and don’t persevere with my grief, it will consume me, I know it will. It’s dangerous to be discouraged about something and not do anything about it.

Me losing my blog post this morning was discouraging. Me not losing any weight this week was discouraging. But I chose to persevere not let my discouragement bring me down and keep me there. I decided to write this new blog post and I’ll try to write the one about Opie another day. Despite my feeling like my working out and efforts are getting me nowhere and being discouraged with my weight, I went to the gym and continued to fight my battle against my weight anyway.

Feeling discouraged and trying to do something about it is hard. It reminds me of my bike ride today. We were strength training – 4 hills, up and down each hill – you spend minutes in a seated climb pushing against a lot of weight, you spend minutes standing as you ‘run’ on your bike with all the weight you can take – it’s challenging. It can be discouraging … when will the climb ever end? How much time is left? I can’t do this anymore type of challenge… And then you make it over the first hill and feel great as you coast down. But then you hit your 2nd hill, and your 3rd, and your 4th. It’s a lot like fighting back when you’re feeling discouraged in life whether it’s because of grief or something else. But if you work hard and don’t lose the faith, you can overcome it. But the key is you have to work, it doesn’t do it on it’s own.

Is there anything in your life that you feel discouraged about? What is it? How can you overcome it?

Well if you are discouraged, here is my comfort that I’ll share with you:

Joshua 1:9 “I command you, be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go”.

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The secret I carry A symbol of life, a year later, a symbol of death

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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