Archive for March, 2010

Grief and Spiritual Warfare

Well despite being hit with some severe allergies or a cold… I still haven’t decided which it is… I am doing pretty well still. I hit a few bumps on my journey out of grief and into peace in the last week. But thankfully I’ve ended up with my head above water.

As strange as it may sound, I can feel myself drifting away from God. Not intentionally, but I can feel it happening. I’ve never felt closer to God than in the months of December and January (when Hailey came into this world and when she left it).

But now as things seem to be going better for me, I don’t feel that closeness as strongly.

Why is it that when our lives are going well, we drift away from God? Why is it that when the floor drops out from under us and our lives collapse, we become closer to God than ever before?

I don’t like that tendency.  At least that’s how it seems for my life, I don’t know about yours.

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March 30, 2010 at 4:07 PM 1 comment

A Poem from a Childless Mother

Tired Posted by Franchesca Cox

March 29, 2010 at 8:32 PM 1 comment

A symbol of life, a year later, a symbol of death

Well, it’s Sunday night, and the weekend is coming to a close. Tomorrow casual conversations will include the question, “What did you do this weekend?”

I’m not sure if I get asked that tomorrow I could be open with my answer… I wouldn’t lie, I might say:

Overall my weekend was nice. My husband and I somehow ended up have two date nights that involved going out to dinner. The weather was gorgeous and we took advantage of it by going on a 2 mile walk Saturday and today with our dog Opie. We watched a couple of movies, did some yard work, went to church, and of course Josh studied a lot.

And that is the truth. But I’m leaving something out. Something, morbid, you could say. And if you don’t want to read about morbid, then you should probably just skip this post. I understand.

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March 28, 2010 at 8:19 PM 1 comment

Discouraged

Well today I feel rather discouraged. I wrote a long, thoughtful post about Opie…memories of Opie with Hailey…about him as her big brother…about him as a companion to me… and of course, my computer or internet or blog decided to not work when I clicked save draft (and it didn’t do any of its usual automatic saves)… so when I went back to publish it, there was no post to be found… well the post was found, but it was blank… so that was pretty discouraging. It was one of those posts I put a lot of thought and time into.

And then I weighed myself (Friday mornings are my weigh-ins for myself)…and I didn’t lose a pound, not even an ounce. I stayed exactly the same as last week. I have 5 lbs left to lose by the end of next week so my goal was about 2 lbs a week. Well… didn’t meet that goal this week. Again, it was pretty discouraging.

After my discouraging start to the day, I was off to spinning. If you don’t know what spinning is, it’s torture on a bike. No it’s really not that bad, but the first week or two of spinning I thought it was torture. It’s basically like a cycling (bicycling) class, and it’s hard if you push yourself like you’re supposed to.

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March 26, 2010 at 1:38 PM Leave a comment

The secret I carry

Well, I’m missing Hailey tonight…not that I don’t every night…but tonight it comes with its companions: feelings of sadness and emptiness…

While I’ve been doing much better lately, like I referred to in my last post, I have to remember to keep my ‘armor’ on since I am still in constant battle against my grief. Just because I am more okay in some situations that used to tear me apart, doesn’t mean I should go rocking the boat …

For instance, the other night I looked up the saddest scene from a movie ever on YouTube. You know the one; the scene from Dumbo where Dumbo’s mom is locked in chains and being kept from her child. Then Dumbo visits his mom and she manages to rock him while the song “Baby Be Mine” is playing in the background. And while the song plays and tears are streaming down the the momma elephant’s face, the images on the screen switch to all the other happy momma and baby animals together.

Ugh. Why in the world would I do that to myself? That scene has always made me cry. Why in the world would I watch that scene and listen to that sad song after losing my daughter. Clearly I can relate to Dumbo’s mom as I’m permanently separated from my child and watching all the other happy moms with their children too. I have no idea what made me do that…but it was not a good idea.

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March 24, 2010 at 11:17 PM 1 comment

Peace and Love

My grief has a new face these days, and I’ve struggled to understand it at times. I feel very at peace. Throughout this journey, starting at Hailey’s birth until a few weeks ago, I could sense God’s peace. But this peace that I’m feeling lately… It’s so much greater than I had ever expected to feel. Especially with Hailey not even being gone 3 months yet.

I feel like I’m “okay.” I’m content. I feel really at peace at times. I think of Hailey throughout my day every day. I still continue to miss her every day, and I know I always will. But the way I miss her now is so much different than the way I missed her a month ago. It’s so different and I can’t really explain it…My heart no longer feels so very broken. It’s not whole, but I can feel God healing it.

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March 22, 2010 at 7:01 PM 1 comment

Scrapbooking Chaos

Scrapbooking is one of those hobbies that I felt was perfect for me. I love taking pictures, looking at pictures, collecting mementos, capturing memories, showing them off, and I enjoy all things arts and crafts. However, I really have only created 2 scrapbooks in my life.

The first one was a scrapbook I made of mine and Josh’s dating life way back when we were dating. It was a good attempt, but I think it taught me I was not the natural scrapbooker I wanted to be. It wasn’t a failed attempt, but it sure wasn’t a great example of scrapbooking.

My second attempt at scrapbooking was better than the first. I made a scrapbook of mine and Josh’s vacation to Walt Disney World. I am quite proud of the pages I completed. However, there are still 2 empty pages with photos stuck inside and some sticky notes of what I ‘meant’ to do … still there 5 years later. 🙂

So as I mentioned some posts back, I am making a scrapbook of Hailey’s life; therefore, this is my 3rd attempt at scrapbooking. Despite my past, somewhat lackluster, unsatisfying attempts at scrapbooking, I have to say that I am truly enjoying making this scrapbook. And I love remembering Hailey as I make it, even though some of the memories are difficult ones. The good, the bad, it’s all my Hailey and I love it all because of that.

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March 21, 2010 at 5:33 PM Leave a comment

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"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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