Archive for February, 2010

Out sick

Hi readers ~

I just had to write a quick post to let you know that I have not forgotten about you. I have been out of commission due to some form of the flu and cold for about 5 days now.  I’m hoping that I will feel better soon so that I can write some more entertaining, heartwarming, and/or uplifting posts about Hailey and our journey together.

And,while I started out liking this simplistic black/white type theme for my blog, it really has never fit ‘me’ and I’m looking to do some upgrading soon as well. So be on the lookout for some new and improved changes coming your way (I hope)!

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February 28, 2010 at 5:17 PM Leave a comment

Sharing Hailey’s Story

I just finished writing and submitting Hailey’s story for Be Not Afraid – you can find the link to the organization in my list of links on the right of the page. I’m very excited for the chance to have Hailey’s story published on their website and encourage other women to not be afraid of diagnoses like Trisomy 18. It is one of the best resources I have come across because it is so inspirational, positive, and encouraging. I will keep you updated and let you know if/when it gets posted.

I’m also going to be writing a short article for a pregnancy center’s quarterly newsletter that will go out this summer- nothing ‘major’ by any means, but I love any chance I get to share about Hailey! 🙂

February 24, 2010 at 1:51 PM 1 comment

Flailing Frustrations, Like Mother, Like Daughter

In a facebook note I wrote while we were with Hailey in the hospital, I recorded a bunch of things about her to help others get to know her. One of the things I shared was how she had punched her stuffed giraffe in the nose and had punched me in the nose. Did you know little babies could punch? Well they can. 🙂

There was a time when I wasn’t sure if Hailey had the ability to move her legs or arms. It took awhile for me to see her make little movements, which was probably because of her physical condition as well as her little body being under the affects of morphine I’m sure. Eventually I saw movements, first her hands, then her arms, and sometimes her legs. It was a slow, gradual process. But eventually my fear that she couldn’t move her arms and legs was provided wrong. And boy were there times that she would move!

Like any baby, Hailey had her moments of fussiness – sometimes I was unsure what she was fussy from – was it gas or was it pain from her surgery? But whatever the cause, she had moments of extreme alertness in which she expressed her extreme frustration.

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February 22, 2010 at 4:45 PM 1 comment

Something to read and think about…

I’ve added a new article to my “Turn Mourning into Dancing Page” called “Tough Questions” that is a great, short read.  A family friend shared it with me.  The article shares two different experiences two mothers went through with their babies. Some of my story with Hailey can be found in both of the stories shared.

For after you read: (‘spoiler’ warning)

What are my thoughts after reading the article?

1. The early screenings pregnant women under go are very unreliable. In the article, the first woman was told that her baby would have Trisomy 21, but she ended up having a healthy baby. In the article, the second woman was told that her baby would have Trisomy 21, and her baby did have Trisomy 21. In my life, I was told that Hailey might have a Trisomy disorder during the ultrasound portion of the screening, and later after the 2nd part of the screening was completed (the bloodwork) I was told that Hailey would not have a disorder after all and she would be a healthy baby. However, Hailey did end up having a disorder, Trisomy 18. In all cases the screenings failed.

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February 21, 2010 at 9:54 AM Leave a comment

Hailey’s Purpose

To my readers: Finally, I’m taking time to write the post I’ve been longing to write. I hope that as many people read this post as possible – so please share with others if you feel led to. This is a long one. I tried to make it short, but I honestly could probably write an entire book about this post, and I know this post will still not do Hailey’s story justice, but it’s a start. So please take the time to read the entire thing if you can. Oh and you may be wondering why I’m writing in pink – I want to make sure this post stands out. 🙂

On December 4, 2009, when Hailey was three days old, in a NICU at the Children’s Hospital in Birmingham, AL, doctors told us that Hailey had full Trisomy 18, a lethal genetic disorder. On that day, our worst fear was realized, our baby was going to die.

QUESTIONS

There were so many questions I had and that others had and have in these situations. Why did our baby have to be sick? Why did she have to die? Why did this happen to her, a fragile little baby? Why did this happen to us, young, healthy, good people? Why did we have to lose our first child? Why do we have to experience this painful loss as young parents? What does this all mean? What good is there in this terrible situation? Where is God in this?

GOD SPEAKS

I prayed and prayed. I talked to God, a lot. I asked Him so many questions – many of those mentioned above. On December 29, 2009, when Hailey was 4 weeks old, I attempted to soak away my troubles and stress in a hot bath. There, alone in the tub, I broke down into heavy weeping and started a conversation with God that I wrote down in my journal and will never forget for the rest of my life. God will speak to us if we listen. And that night He spoke to me with clarity that I had never experienced before.

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February 18, 2010 at 2:29 PM 5 comments

Punching pillows angry

Confession time… yesterday, for the first time, I got angry with God. Really angry. Punching pillows angry. Literally.

Last week was a very good week for me – emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually – all around a really good week. I had many ‘good’ days in a row. And of course my grief felt like suspense – waiting for when it would decide to rear it’s ugly head and hit. Well of course it did… The past few days have not been the best, well obviously since I already mentioned my anger with God…

At church on Sunday we started a new series called “He’s Still* Got the Whole World in His Hands” and it’s about where God is in all of the uncertainty we face in our lives – pretty perfect for me, huh? Well it of course made me think of all of the uncertainty in my life and the difficulties I’m facing especially in regards to my dad’s death and Hailey’s passing as well as the uncertainty that comes along with being an army wife. The message reminded me that even in the most darkest hours of our lives God remains faithful and is there with us. Yes that truth is comforting. But lately it’s only going so far… So the service was indeed what I needed but at the same time very difficult for me. I cried briefly in the car on the way home.

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February 16, 2010 at 10:39 AM 1 comment

My sweet lullabies

This morning I need to write a post that is more ‘happy’ for myself for I fear that today could be tough day – just getting one of those feelings… so here it goes…this is another one of those very personal memories that I have only shared with my husband… but it’s one of my happiest and don’t want to keep it to myself.

My favorite moments spent with Hailey occurred when I was alone with her. When it was just me and her. Mom and daughter. In these moments I would be standing up or sitting in my glider. I would hold her close to me. And I would begin rocking her gently. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms. In these moments I found tremendous joy, and in these memories I continue to find joy.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I am not the singing type. I cannot carry a tune what-so-ever. I am not tone-deaf – I can HEAR that I don’t sound good. So I never sing in front of anyone. And I always wondered to  myself – how can I be a good mom when I can’t sing? All moms sing to their babies – what am I going to do? Hailey will hate my voice and I will not sing in front of others because that would just be embarrassing. There would be nothing soothing about my singing!

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February 13, 2010 at 5:25 AM 2 comments

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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