Time to mourn?

January 29, 2010 at 9:16 PM 1 comment

Well it’s safe to say that the month of January has probably been the worst month of my life. I lost my daughter on January 6 from Trisomy 18 and my father January 22, the day before my 25th birthday, from cancer. They were two of the people I loved the most in my life, and it’s so hard now that they’re both gone.

In both cases I knew that I was going to lose them before they passed away…which is a blessing I suppose. I was able to say my goodbyes to them before they passed and was able to make sure that I had no ‘unfinished business’ I guess you could say. I loved them both with all my heart and I made sure they both knew it. I also have the comfort that not many people have in knowing that they are both in Heaven…that will be a separate blog topic I plan to write in the future.

I guess my problem that I’m having is that I feel sort of ‘robbed’ of having time to properly mourn my daughter and time to properly mourn my father. Some people think (including myself at times), that perhaps this is a blessing to have both of them pass so closely together so that all the pain is at once which makes it perhaps easier to deal with (?)… other people (including myself at times), think that this is just unbelievably cruel and almost unbearable having to deal with all the pain at once…

I spent about 2 weeks mourning Hailey and remembering her…and then that time was cut short by my dad’s passing at which point all of my attention went to him and I barely had time to think about Hailey… now that my dad’s memorial service is over and I’m back in AL… I’m back to trying to deal with both losses at once. When I try to remember Hailey now, it’s even harder – which I attribute to the fact that my process of remembering and mourning her was interrupted to do the same with my dad.

As I mentioned in an earlier post… my thoughts went back and forth between Hailey’s struggles and my dad’s struggles when they were both alive…and now they go back and forth between Hailey’s death and my dad’s death.

I don’t know how to mourn them both…I feel like I don’t have time to mourn them both…which I know is weird especially since I have so much time on my hands…

Thankfully, I am able to think of them both when I envision where they are now: in Heaven together…both in perfect bodies, pain free, disease free… Hailey in the arms of her Grandpa…and that is a comforting thought.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about things like why did Hailey have to have Trisomy 18 and why did my dad have to have cancer and why did they both have to experience sickness and pain… and I’ve also been thinking about things like why do I have to feel pain in losing them and why is there death and why do I have to mourn…

Well because of my faith and my belief in the truth of God’s word, God reminds me that I know the answers to those questions and those answers bring me some understanding and comfort:

-Pain and sickness and the like are a result of man’s fall and evil entering the world (Genesis 3, Romans 8)
-God does not take pleasure in our pain or suffering, but He will allow it to happen (Job 1, 2)
-God helps us through our pain and suffering and can use it for good (Romans 8)
-God comforts those who mourn (Matthew 5:4)
-God wipes away suffering and sickness, etc. in Heaven (Revelation 21:1-4)

So I know that there will be a time to mourn and a time to be comforted (Ecclesiastes 3:4)… I just need to figure out how to feel like I can mourn and grieve both my dad and Hailey ‘properly’…

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Temporary Hiatus Who knew my worst nightmare would turn out to be an amazing blessing

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Ilea  |  January 30, 2010 at 12:44 AM

    Just remember-there's no right way to do this. One day your dad will be on your mind, one day Hailey will, the next day they both will and you'll be overwhelmed. However you make it through this process is the right way to do it.I think I'm in the second group. And it's not about not having time-they're a part of your life experience and so for the rest of your life you'll be thinking of them, in happy ways and in mournful ways, and whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, is ok. Miss you

    Reply

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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