Struggling with selfishness

January 16, 2010 at 1:49 AM 2 comments

Yesterday Josh and I had a busy day. We spent the day with our dog, Opie, visiting two of my bestest friends. We spent the day at my one friend’s house just chatting and hanging out while Opie played with her dogs. Then we went out to dinner with my other friend. After dinner Josh and I went shopping at a mall, just the two of us. We went so that we could each buy a locket (to put Hailey’s picture in of course) and have it engraved with her name – something so that we could each feel like she was still with us… something else to help us remember her and so that other people know she is still a part of our life…

It was the first day since Hailey passed away that I had a really good day. I laughed and smiled more than I had in a very long time. It felt good. And the hole in my heart didn’t feel so big yesterday. It was nice…

But at the same time, it wasn’t. I’m now able to do all of the things I couldn’t do when I had Hailey – and many of the things I couldn’t do when I was pregnant. A part of my mind tells me I shouldn’t be out shopping all night with my husband, I should be at home taking care of my baby girl. I shouldn’t be able to go to the movies, I should be at home taking care of my baby girl…

I’m able to get lost in a book for hours at a time now that Hailey’s gone – something I had longed to do when I had her. I’m able to go wherever I want whenever I want – something I had longed to do when I had Hailey. I HATE that I wanted to do so many things when I had Hailey. Why couldn’t spending time with her be enough? But no. I had Hailey, and I longed to do the things I could pre-pregnancy, pre-Hailey…

I was selfish. And now, as I’m doing these “fun” things, a part of my mind – the not so good part I know – cruelly tells me – “You got what you wanted. Are you happy?” The same dark part of my mind tells me Hailey died because of my selfishness – like it was God saying, “you really wanted those things, well now you have them – how does it feel?”

When I step back and become logical again – I know those thoughts are not true and not from God… but I have to be honest, I still have them. And I know that getting out of the house and having fun is not a selfish thing right now – it’s actually good for me. But I still feel selfish sometimes…

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Entry filed under: Me. Tags: , , .

Forgetting…Remembering… Awkward (?) moments

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Ilea  |  January 16, 2010 at 3:16 AM

    This post is a tough one. I don't have a lot of good comments for this one, other than that I'm really happy that I was able to be with you and make you laugh for an hour or so.

    Reply
  • 2. shayna  |  January 16, 2010 at 4:57 AM

    I would like to say it is so easy sometimes to think that when we have a "selfish" thought that it is wrong and then like you said..God gave me what I wanted..and I know you know that God did not do this to say..see? But as a parent we all have times that we long to do "selfish" things being it read a book, exercise, have a quiet moment It is not wrong at all And gives us more strength at times bc we can regroup Not sure where I was going with this but as Haileys mom you are completely normal to want time for you and now as you have this time Read and still read to her She hears you Take a walk and talk to her(again I know you do) and on a sorta funny note that iA hope might make you chuckle..when I was pregnant with Brady I was driving to work one morning saying God I would give anything just to be home today Not feeling great etc…then BAM a lady hit my car at 65 miles per hour my SUV flipped rolled hit another car and to this day I have back issues and a lawsuit pending But i remember thinking in the hospital Geesh God Didnt mean THIS LOL Hope that made ya chuckle Love ya

    Reply

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Dedication

"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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