Archive for January, 2010

Who knew my worst nightmare would turn out to be an amazing blessing

Over the nine months I was pregnant with Hailey, I prayed for her development and health almost every day. I modified my eating habits and lifestyle so that I could be healthy and have a healthy baby. I took prenatal vitamins daily. I didn’t drink or smoke (not that I do normally anyway) or have too much caffeine or engage in any other risky behavior for pregnant women. I prayed and did what I was supposed to do in order to have a healthy baby. According to statistics, because of my age, my weight, my health history, etc. the chances of Josh and I have a baby with a health problem was very unlikely.

But it all didn’t matter. In the end, I was not in control of my daughter’s creation or development or even life. God was.

In all honesty, having a baby that was ‘retarded’ or that had mental or physical problems was probably one of the things I feared and dreaded happening to me (or my baby) the most. Truth be told, I didn’t want a ‘retarded’ child or a child with disabilities. Not me. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t want it – for me, for my baby. I wanted her to be healthy and have a normal happy life. And I tried to do everything I could to make sure my baby was healthy and I didn’t have that problem. Statistics were in my favor after all…



January 31, 2010 at 3:21 PM 3 comments

Time to mourn?

Well it’s safe to say that the month of January has probably been the worst month of my life. I lost my daughter on January 6 from Trisomy 18 and my father January 22, the day before my 25th birthday, from cancer. They were two of the people I loved the most in my life, and it’s so hard now that they’re both gone.

In both cases I knew that I was going to lose them before they passed away…which is a blessing I suppose. I was able to say my goodbyes to them before they passed and was able to make sure that I had no ‘unfinished business’ I guess you could say. I loved them both with all my heart and I made sure they both knew it. I also have the comfort that not many people have in knowing that they are both in Heaven…that will be a separate blog topic I plan to write in the future.

I guess my problem that I’m having is that I feel sort of ‘robbed’ of having time to properly mourn my daughter and time to properly mourn my father. Some people think (including myself at times), that perhaps this is a blessing to have both of them pass so closely together so that all the pain is at once which makes it perhaps easier to deal with (?)… other people (including myself at times), think that this is just unbelievably cruel and almost unbearable having to deal with all the pain at once…


January 29, 2010 at 9:16 PM 1 comment

Temporary Hiatus

I will be traveling back to IL tomorrow to say goodbye to my dad and spend the last day or so with him before he passes…so blogging may be on a temporary hiatus for awhile…

January 22, 2010 at 2:13 AM 1 comment

Schedules, Belches, and Angel Kisses

Per my cousin’s request – I will write my post today about some of the fun facts about Hailey and some of the things I loved about her.

First of all Hailey was the BEST baby a mother could ask for – honestly. Anyone who spent time with her, like both of her grandmas, could tell you she was one of the BEST behaved babies they’ve ever met – especially once she got out of the hospital. Don’t get me wrong – she had her moments of fussiness but they were few and far between. She was pretty consistent and predictable in her behaviors and routines. She rarely cried. And this was all pretty amazing considering everything her little body was fighting to do and the problems she had…

Here’s a bit of our daily routine we managed to have once we got home and settled with her – this is actually from an email I sent one of my best friends Jan 5th (the day before Hailey passed):

January 20, 2010 at 10:59 PM 3 comments

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Photos

These pictures were taken by an organization called “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” while Josh and I were in the hospital with Hailey.

January 20, 2010 at 4:03 AM 3 comments

Yet I still dare to hope…

Some of the most comforting scripture I have come across. It brings me great comfort and I hope you may find comfort if you’re reading this.

Lamentations 3:21-33 (New Living Translation) – Thank you Karen and your MIL for sharing these verses with me.

21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends![a]
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.
27 And it is good for people to submit at an early age
to the yoke of his discipline:

28 Let them sit alone in silence
beneath the Lord’s demands.
29 Let them lie face down in the dust,
for there may be hope at last.
30 Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
and accept the insults of their enemies.

31 For no one is abandoned
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
33 For he does not enjoy hurting people
or causing them sorrow.

January 20, 2010 at 3:50 AM Leave a comment

Empty House, Empty Heart

Josh and I left IL at 4am Monday to drive back to our home in AL. It was the drive that I had been dreading since we arrived in IL to bury our little Hailey. For one, I had to say goodbye to my dad who is dying from cancer and only has a week or so left, but I had to deal with coming home to an empty house, to a house without my daughter.

I knew it was going to be difficult to be back in the house where we had spent about a month with Hailey. On the day Hailey passed away, after the hospice nurse had carried her little body out of the house and into the car and before we left for IL, Josh and I slowly and sadly moved all of Hailey’s belongings into her room. (I knew that when I came back that if I saw her crib by our bed or her bottles in the kitchen cabinet or her little bed that we kept in the living room…that it would be too much for me – and it was the right decision in looking back). But I really had no idea how hard it would be…


January 19, 2010 at 11:32 PM 2 comments

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"God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed." ~Job 1:21

In Loving Memory of Hailey Marie

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